Meaning of life

Emptiness, fulfillment

Both of them tied up

We’re all drinking from the same cup

Of heavenly joy or sorrow

Some drink like there is no tomorrow

While some pretend that they are not thirsty

Some drink wine, beer or liquor

While others drink religion and business

We define our lives by what we do

Whether it is charity or love of money

Whether we do it out of love

Or out of desire for fame

Can it ever satisfy us?

Can there ever be enough?

 Can we not just stop pretending

That we are not anymore empty?

Can we not stop running from ourselves

To our handmade gods?

Probably not while we are still breathing

Not until our ending

But we should try not to give up

June 12, 2012

Be a fool and love full out,
Eyes open wide, do not look back.
Love is perfume, don't breath it out,
It makes you dizzy, spins your heart...
Closer than the skin and burning hot
The flaming magic of your heart
Consumes and wrecks your soul apart
Fragile and tender yet so sharp,
Sharp as a stone that cuts through veins
Enters blood vessels to my brain,
Captures, tortures, spins my nerves,
Brings me highs, dissolves the lows...
I want to live, I want to feel,
This love has never felt so real.
I cannot run, I cannot hide,
For in my mind i always know
That I'm the apple of Your eye,
Your beauty captivates my soul,
I feel the incense of Your name
So sweet it takes my breath away...


May 18, 2012

Numb my heart
Give me a shot
That won’t let me feel
That will make me real
That would set me apart
From the world of pain
That would rid me of
All my guilt and shame
That would take me up
And swirl me around
I will never stop
Never be let down
How many times i climbed
How many times i fled
Every end is pain
Every time im shot
With the arrows of doubt
With arrows that hurt

When i'm on my own
I can't reach the light
I tried digging for it
And it shone too bright
That it blinded me
To the very heart of Truth
The very essence of You

Since You are the light
Which cannot be dug for
You are the truth
Which can never hurt
You are all I am
We cannot stand apart
All the years of pain
Taught me that it rains
On both sinners and saints
That we all are one
Part of His big heart

We will run as one
We will rise as sun
You will shine through me
You alone will never ever let me down

strange old poems

2010

***

One two three

The seconds rush

Into a hour

Into a new crush

A crush of thoughts

And crush of dreams

Inside of us

A hopeless mass

There's no way out

A new beginning

It’s all one circle

One intertwining

***

So many thoughts, so many places

People and colours, different modes

I am alone of my conscious aware

I am alone who decides where to be

Thoughts complicate me, Places attract

Colourful people attach to my heart

Rushing, then breaking

Inhaling the smog and not letting it out

The crystal is clear but blurry from breath

The soul is so wide, Enough place for all…

Maybe forest knows the beauty of the sky..

Maybe river knows the tears of the clouds…

Will the forest find the heights of the sky?

Will the river find the strength in the clouds?

2009 poems

The well is deep

Not much water in it

To satisfy the thirsty

But if you add my tears

Then it would be enough

For both of us to be filled up

I close my eyes

And I see yours

So deeply looking into mine

Why - I don’t understand

But I trust that in the end

Your arms with hold me

Until sunrise hits the earth

***

Rainbow, rainbow

Sing again

With the angel voice

Cry again

With tears of seven colors

Find the lonely Sheppard

Dance with the rain and the sun

But never go back

To your old village

Where all you did

Was bringing good tidings

To the poor

***

‘Good night’ the angels were singing

‘Good morning’ the sun said out loud

How was your sleep?

What did you dream of?

Nothing. These days I just sleep.

The dreams are dissolved

In the morning dew of my house’s porch

- I want to fly away, will you fly with me?

- I prefer to not lose sight of the dew

At the porch of my house..

Flying is not for me, sorry

***

Once broken, then restored,

Then broken again,

Turned into heart of stone

Polished and shiny

Beautifying the beads.

I don’t know if you really need them,

Should I just hide them

Or should I put them over your neck?

What if you will step on them

Or throw them out into a sea?

That sea of tears

You don’t know of it,

But if it’s dried up right now,

It means that water

Is held by the clouds.

Please, don’t rain as of yet

new poems

***

Life is a mystery,
A fairy tale of history:
blue sky is heaven,
Earth is home.
Heaven and earth
They wrap their arms
Around each other
And dance,
Their breath is wind,
Their tears are rain,
Their love is fire
That ignites our days,
It shines as the sun
And glows as moon.
We count out days
In the earth's embrace
But heaven remains
As a bliss in our soul

***

Sometime I feel so happy
That I jump and swirl and dance
And if only I stop for a moment
It feels like my heart will jump out of my chest
My heart feels this bliss
That cannot be contained by my body
That’s why I am afraid
That one day it will actually jump away...
Into the world where it belongs

But until that day I try to jump along

P. S. That’s a picture of me and three of my little sisters in Spain (one of them is somewhere in the wave)

Photocredit: Ruvim Kowaliuk

And that’s me loving the waves of the sea... they are sort of like my wings

Struggles of immigration to Canada... My story

Not everything always happens right away as you wish. Don't give up sounds like three simple words for somebody, while for another person these three words mean something that helps them to continue living their daily life. There are few common problems and struggles on the way to immigration and some people will say that it's not worth it... In my opinion, it is. Even though this process could really be a whole lot of sweat and tears.

Seven years ago I came to this country in hopes of getting education and settling down here as a resident or an immigrant. International tuition costs a whole fortune and it wasn't easy. Sometimes my year was not paid off and university wouldn't let me begin a new school year until I pay off the fees for the previous one. If I don't study full-time, then I'm required to leave the country. I wasn't giving up and I was trying to be patient and have faith that everything will work out. And it always somehow did work out...last moment.

After I graduated from university I still had a big debt. University wasn't going to give me my transcripts until I paid it off and without transcripts I would not be able to apply for post-graduation work permit and stay in the country. I had three months after my graduation to finalize everything before immigration would tell me to leave. I was applying to different banks to get a loan but without a co-signer no one would give it to me. I only had a part-time job at that time and this wasn't enough to pay off the school debt. No OSAP or bursaries are available for international students either. All I had left was prayers and hope... And somehow everything still worked out... Again, last moment.

Finally, a year later, I thought I became so close to my destination... After working full-time for a year, I applied for my permanent residence status. I was really lucky to have a job right away after graduation. I took a big breath in, knowing that in about 7-8 months I can breath out and finally celebrate my new status in Canada - as an official immigrant... 

So, 7 months later I got... a refusal from Citizenship and Immigration Canada! It honestly felt like a sharp knife through my chest. All these years of struggle and patience, just to see them say that my full-time job belongs to an occupation class that doesn't qualify me for permanent residence? Really? Due to the fact that immigration website did not have any information on how to properly extend my type of work permit, they also refused my work permit extension around the same time as they refused my permanent residence application. Which means... I can't work legally. Perfect. 

I was sure that something was wrong so I read through a humongous legal document of all the definitions and requirements and I realized that government made an error... I requested some information from Human Resources Canada and they replied that my supposition was correct and that immigration officer was wrong. I forwarded an official appeal letter to Citizenship and Immigration Canada processing center and surely a month later they replied with apologies for their mistake. A mistake that cost me unemployment for over three months so far.

I try to be positive and look to the bright side of things... At this point it could take a few weeks or months before I finally reach my destination and I can guarantee you that when I  become a permanent resident, there will be a big celebration...

I definitely learnt a lot of patience and perseverance through all of this and I also learnt a lot of things about canadian immigration which you can't find on their website and can only find out from an immigration lawyer or an immigration consultant. I found out after I already failed... 

An advise to future immigrants - don't do it on your own. Help of an expert could save you a lot of time and trouble. I did all of it on my own and only if I had some better descriptions in my application, I would have avoided the immigration agent's mistake most likely... IMHO

For other advises you are welcome to leave questions in comments below :)

Good luck, and remember that every cloud has a silver lining! In the end, everything happens for a reason and we often learn by mistakes and our destinies are shaped not only by our fortunes, but often also my our mistakes and misfortunes :) Don't give up!