This blog was written some time during the NICU journey at the end of June but I never had time to finish it and publish it until now.
Today I was hit with an overwhelming emotion. I was hit with a realization of what has actually happened during the last three months.
When you live in the moment of an accepted terrifying challenge, everything becomes normal, usual. As time passes and you look back at the photos of things that your brain has already almost erased from the memory, all of a sudden a wave of forgotten reality hits you and you start weeping. Was that really happening? It can't be. It doesn't look possible. It's too much, beyond me. I couldn't have gone through this sane. How did I do this?
March 20 seems like a day out of a movie.
That day when Dr Stefania told me that if I want to give my baby the best chance of survival then today is the day for her to be born - that day I made a decision. A decision to be by her side, cry, pray, not sleep, for what they told me then would be half a year or even longer hospital stay.
Ivanna is a very small baby now, she is almost of the age of a term baby but she is twice smaller than a regular newborn. She does have chubby cheeks and fatty folds on her legs, she is super cute and her face is always so content and happy, except for when she is too gassy.
Today I was hit with an overwhelming emotion. I was hit with a realization of what has actually happened during the last three months.
When you live in the moment of an accepted terrifying challenge, everything becomes normal, usual. As time passes and you look back at the photos of things that your brain has already almost erased from the memory, all of a sudden a wave of forgotten reality hits you and you start weeping. Was that really happening? It can't be. It doesn't look possible. It's too much, beyond me. I couldn't have gone through this sane. How did I do this?
March 20 seems like a day out of a movie.
That day when Dr Stefania told me that if I want to give my baby the best chance of survival then today is the day for her to be born - that day I made a decision. A decision to be by her side, cry, pray, not sleep, for what they told me then would be half a year or even longer hospital stay.
Ivanna is a very small baby now, she is almost of the age of a term baby but she is twice smaller than a regular newborn. She does have chubby cheeks and fatty folds on her legs, she is super cute and her face is always so content and happy, except for when she is too gassy.
But two-three months ago... Those photos are shocking. I can see the same facial features, it's so recognisable to me that this is my daughter but what is not recognisable is how skinny, tiny she was and how worn out her face was by the breathing equipment. She was a fragile baby who was facing the risks of so many complications, problems, diseases... But I don't ever remember thinking of her this way back then.
Back then when I was in that moment things seemed normal, it never crossed my mind that she is some sort of a malnourished baby at risk, it just seemed like it is my very strong daughter who is slowly gaining weight and slowly being weaned off the crazy uncomfortable breathing machines and soon she will be breathing on her own and breastfeeding by herself instead of receiving my milk through a feeding tube.
Three months seem like a whole life lived.
Back then when I was in that moment things seemed normal, it never crossed my mind that she is some sort of a malnourished baby at risk, it just seemed like it is my very strong daughter who is slowly gaining weight and slowly being weaned off the crazy uncomfortable breathing machines and soon she will be breathing on her own and breastfeeding by herself instead of receiving my milk through a feeding tube.
Three months seem like a whole life lived.
I wrote all of the above paragraphs yesterday. Today when I woke up I realized something switched in my brain yesterday. Today was the first day I dreamed at night. I've had dream free sleeps for the past three months... Both of the dreams I saw this night were about Ivanna in the future and they were quite vivid.
Now it seems as though my brain just woke up yesterday from a long dream. If I didn't have the photos and if I wasn't writing down things in this blog I would probably remember things the same way you remember dreams. I don't remember the emotions I felt near Ivanna in her first few months of her life. It is as though I was acting on an autopilot the whole time. It is as though certain parts of my brain were shut down and my brain was acting as though it was submerdged in a dream.
Now that I'm awake I can't stop crying. Too many emotions are hitting me all at once.
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