Not a fun poem

Life is full of beauty

But it’s not full

For most of us

It is not even real beauty

Life is full of music

Which someone wrote a long time ago

But in our own souls

Mostly noise and emptiness

Life is full of joy

Cheap and abrupt

It comes from substance

Whether alcohol, fashion or ideology

Our forefathers

Had a valley, lake and forest

Had a church, an icon and war service

And the rest was God’s grace

i would have never imagined that something like this can happen to me

My journal entry from November 13, 2014, a year go

I saw a dream of something that I would never even dare dreaming about.. A few months passed and this dream came true. I was in the exact same country (a completely random one that I never thought of going to) with exactly same people doing the exact same things as it were in my dream. It was so wild and I was so happy that now I feel like I just want to fall asleep and be in that place with those people having a time of a life again. 

But it was a time of a life, a dream that turned into reality.  Reality can't turn into a dream again. It can only move on... What I learned is that my dreams are limited but sometimes through my subconscious I get glimpses of something much higher and better than what I could ever think or dream about while I'm awake. I was so blessed with this dream and with a reality which followed it... Makes me think that there is nothing impossible in this life... Dreams can come to us while we are awake or asleep... There is no reason to put limits on them. 

Has anyone known a feeling of loving someone so much (mother or a father let's say), but not being able to see them for almost 15 years for some bizarre reasons and then meeting up with them and your other loved ones in a five star resort, eating, drinking, dancing, laughing, hugging, having soul to soul conversations and catching up on many years of being apart... I could never even dare dreaming about something like this. It was beyond my wildest dreams to get to experience what I ended up experiencing. It felt like I was in a paradise the whole time. I think it was a glimpse of a paradise actually... It was so unreal sitting under the stars on the beach and talking to this person and hearing words that I long to hear my whole life. And then dancing, eating, drinking, laughing, bonding. 

We were together only for four days but these four days stay in my memory as a little life which I used to think I missed out on. But all of a sudden it came crushing on me in a blissful wave and I never thought I could handle this bliss.  Dostoevksy was right when he said that "life is paradise, and we are all in paradise, but we do not want to know it, and if we did want to know it, tomorrow there would be paradise the world over." Now I want to know it... I really want to.    

Meaning of life

Emptiness, fulfillment

Both of them tied up

We’re all drinking from the same cup

Of heavenly joy or sorrow

Some drink like there is no tomorrow

While some pretend that they are not thirsty

Some drink wine, beer or liquor

While others drink religion and business

We define our lives by what we do

Whether it is charity or love of money

Whether we do it out of love

Or out of desire for fame

Can it ever satisfy us?

Can there ever be enough?

 Can we not just stop pretending

That we are not anymore empty?

Can we not stop running from ourselves

To our handmade gods?

Probably not while we are still breathing

Not until our ending

But we should try not to give up

June 12, 2012

Be a fool and love full out,
Eyes open wide, do not look back.
Love is perfume, don't breath it out,
It makes you dizzy, spins your heart...
Closer than the skin and burning hot
The flaming magic of your heart
Consumes and wrecks your soul apart
Fragile and tender yet so sharp,
Sharp as a stone that cuts through veins
Enters blood vessels to my brain,
Captures, tortures, spins my nerves,
Brings me highs, dissolves the lows...
I want to live, I want to feel,
This love has never felt so real.
I cannot run, I cannot hide,
For in my mind i always know
That I'm the apple of Your eye,
Your beauty captivates my soul,
I feel the incense of Your name
So sweet it takes my breath away...


May 18, 2012

Numb my heart
Give me a shot
That won’t let me feel
That will make me real
That would set me apart
From the world of pain
That would rid me of
All my guilt and shame
That would take me up
And swirl me around
I will never stop
Never be let down
How many times i climbed
How many times i fled
Every end is pain
Every time im shot
With the arrows of doubt
With arrows that hurt

When i'm on my own
I can't reach the light
I tried digging for it
And it shone too bright
That it blinded me
To the very heart of Truth
The very essence of You

Since You are the light
Which cannot be dug for
You are the truth
Which can never hurt
You are all I am
We cannot stand apart
All the years of pain
Taught me that it rains
On both sinners and saints
That we all are one
Part of His big heart

We will run as one
We will rise as sun
You will shine through me
You alone will never ever let me down

strange old poems

2010

***

One two three

The seconds rush

Into a hour

Into a new crush

A crush of thoughts

And crush of dreams

Inside of us

A hopeless mass

There's no way out

A new beginning

It’s all one circle

One intertwining

***

So many thoughts, so many places

People and colours, different modes

I am alone of my conscious aware

I am alone who decides where to be

Thoughts complicate me, Places attract

Colourful people attach to my heart

Rushing, then breaking

Inhaling the smog and not letting it out

The crystal is clear but blurry from breath

The soul is so wide, Enough place for all…

Maybe forest knows the beauty of the sky..

Maybe river knows the tears of the clouds…

Will the forest find the heights of the sky?

Will the river find the strength in the clouds?

2009 poems

The well is deep

Not much water in it

To satisfy the thirsty

But if you add my tears

Then it would be enough

For both of us to be filled up

I close my eyes

And I see yours

So deeply looking into mine

Why - I don’t understand

But I trust that in the end

Your arms with hold me

Until sunrise hits the earth

***

Rainbow, rainbow

Sing again

With the angel voice

Cry again

With tears of seven colors

Find the lonely Sheppard

Dance with the rain and the sun

But never go back

To your old village

Where all you did

Was bringing good tidings

To the poor

***

‘Good night’ the angels were singing

‘Good morning’ the sun said out loud

How was your sleep?

What did you dream of?

Nothing. These days I just sleep.

The dreams are dissolved

In the morning dew of my house’s porch

- I want to fly away, will you fly with me?

- I prefer to not lose sight of the dew

At the porch of my house..

Flying is not for me, sorry

***

Once broken, then restored,

Then broken again,

Turned into heart of stone

Polished and shiny

Beautifying the beads.

I don’t know if you really need them,

Should I just hide them

Or should I put them over your neck?

What if you will step on them

Or throw them out into a sea?

That sea of tears

You don’t know of it,

But if it’s dried up right now,

It means that water

Is held by the clouds.

Please, don’t rain as of yet

new poems

***

Life is a mystery,
A fairy tale of history:
blue sky is heaven,
Earth is home.
Heaven and earth
They wrap their arms
Around each other
And dance,
Their breath is wind,
Their tears are rain,
Their love is fire
That ignites our days,
It shines as the sun
And glows as moon.
We count out days
In the earth's embrace
But heaven remains
As a bliss in our soul

***

Sometime I feel so happy
That I jump and swirl and dance
And if only I stop for a moment
It feels like my heart will jump out of my chest
My heart feels this bliss
That cannot be contained by my body
That’s why I am afraid
That one day it will actually jump away...
Into the world where it belongs

But until that day I try to jump along

P. S. That’s a picture of me and three of my little sisters in Spain (one of them is somewhere in the wave)

Photocredit: Ruvim Kowaliuk

And that’s me loving the waves of the sea... they are sort of like my wings